The Lost Christmas Card

Dear Britney Spears, Federline, Spears,
I know that I have not been in touch this year, but as you know, I have been a very busy man. Or maybe you didn’t know and I’m telling you now. Either way, I just want to thank you for your patriotic contributions to this country. You might be askin’ yourself “What did I do that is so patriotic?” That is why I am writing to tell you.
You see, I know you have been busy this year with your husband ex-husband and kids, and also with your vacations, hair cuts, court appearances and car accidents. Basically, you have been kind enough to let Americans share in your life experiences. And Americans (me included) focus so much energy on you that they barely take the time to notice me or my friends. Some people would be sad about that, but I am so thankful.
For the most part, we work completely undeterred (by public opinion or law). I mean sure there was the uproar about the troop surge, but you were there to shave your head. Hahaha, that was a good one! Even I didn’t see that one coming, and I see a lot of things. Well, I see the things that Dick and Condi let me see, but it seems like a lot to me.
And when people were upset about me giving the pardon to Scooter, which really wasn’t even really a pardon. I just ‘commuted’ the jail time, he still had to pay a small fine. It was the least I could do for an old friend. I thought Americans would understand, but I guess they’re not like you and me. You were there for me, wearing that pink wig and sunglasses at night, then drivin’ all crazy like. You really know how to capture the hearts and minds, let me tell you.
I just like that so much about you. Whenever things get rough around me, you are always there to help out and steal the spotlight. Or a lighter. Thanks to you and your charms, people just totally ignore me when I veto health care or have evidence against me destroyed. I can’t even begin to mention all that you have done for me, just this year alone.
I don’t have much time left here, so I wanted to get my thanks out now. Keep up the good work in 2008!

Merry Christmas on behalf of the White House/Executive Branch (I just want to get Dick in there, who knows where he is these days…)

Your favorite (ok, only) El Presidente,
W